Musings of a mad mind

I find it very interesting as I travel through the halls of Spark People and the pages I come across.  People often have pictures of their goals or what they wish to look like but very rarely do they ever post what they actually look like.  I think it’s very therapeutic to post a pic and say this is who I am take me or leave me but it’s me.  I also feel it’s important for us to accept ourselves as we are, not hide.  We might not like what we look like currently but hiding it will never accomplish anything.

  I have pictures posted on SP and Facebook which I absolutely HATE with a passion.  I could delete them or untag myself from them but I do not.  I cannot sit here and pretend I am anything but a very large man who weights quite a bit and is in very serious trouble health wise.

Now the other thing I find fascinating is the pictures of what people wish to be, or their goal "body” The pictures are hot and being male, well I take my time to poke and look around soaking in the surroundings.  Yet I often wonder if these people will be truly happy once they get the waistline they want or their abs are so hard you can wash clothes on them, will it bring happiness? Will it bring wholeness?

I myself have a picture of WWE Superstar Batista who they call the animal for a reason he is a BEAST and huge, he is also built like a brick s*** house, suffice to say he is pretty solid.

If I woke up tomorrow and looked like that would I be happy? I like to think I would be, women would swoon over me and men would want to be me, but would that truly make me happy.

I used to think without a doubt the answer was yes, that big muscles and rock hard abs and looking like a Greek god would fulfill my life, and everything would be perfect, but it won’t.

That’s not going to fix the turmoil and darkness that rolls around inside me.  It’s not going to fix what’s broken inside me that makes me eat and binge, the force that drive my food addiction as well as my other addictions, it will still be there waiting, watching, just itching for that chance to come back out and pick up where it left off trying to kill me.

For those of us who think of a rock hard body is going to fix everything wrong in our life let us turn our gaze to Hollywood and the gods and goddess's who live there, how many of those beautiful people are happy? allot? Probably, but how many are totally f***ed up? hoooo boy ALOT.  They have banging bodies, money, fame, power, yet they are just as miserable as the rest of us "normal" people

They have alot of the same problems and all their money and fame and good looks cannot seem to fix it.  It gives me pause and makes me ponder my own healthy journey.  When I am done 250-300 pounds from now will I look good? HELL YA I WILL *chuckles* I'm already an ego maniac, I am just an ego maniac with low self-esteem.    Losing that much weight will leave me saggy and wrinkled and probably not the Greek god body that I imagine in my mind.  Sure I can have surgery and get it removed so that I will look good on the surface but will that complete me? I know people get all bent out of shape at the thought of saggy skin left over from losing a large amount of weight, I am one of those people.
but perhaps I should just say who cares and be happy to be healthy and have a good long life ahead of me (God willing)  I have no idea how I am going to feel when I get to that point.

I hope by then to have learned some humility and that my ego is put into check and I do not run around like a mad man doing things I should not be doing.  Really all i can do is take life one day at a time and do the best that I can.  One day in the not to distant future I will open my eyes one morning and I will find I have arrived at the goal weight I have been shooting for, how will I feel? what will I do? will it be enough? I hope by the time that day arrives I will have the answer to all those questions.

I have been told countless times, gastric bypass your only option is gastric bypass, we cannot help you anymore gastric bypass.  I am so sick to death of hearing those words I want to vomit anytime it comes up in conversation.  Does it work? I have no doubt it will work, is it a good solution to battle obesity?  Maybe for some but not for me.  I REFUSE to have gastric bypass, I will go to my grave before I go under the knife.  What changes? I lose 300 pounds and look good but all the crap still inside of me thats broke is still there.  The success rate of bypass surgery is very low less than 25% of people who have the surgery lose the weight and still maintain that weight loss after 5 years, less than 25% that means about 75% of the people it does not work for, why? Because they go back to their old habits and undo the surgery and gain some or most or even all the weight back and more.

If I can combat the demons inside of me and change how I am living and change my lifestyle then the weight will come off in its own good time and I don't need to have any surgery to accomplish this.  I need to work hard, set goals, comes to terms with the things in me that are killing me and find a way to make myself whole again.  Between spark people, the 12 step programs I have found, the help of my Higher Power and the love and support of my friends both virtual and here I can kick the  sh*t out of my disease.  I won't ever be cured.

  The rest of my life I will be a binge eater, food addict and all around addict.  I will find a life of recovery where I do not binge and I do the things I need to do in order to be healthy and live my life.  The minute I start thinking I am in control and I can do whatever I want then I am screwed again. I will never be able to eat like "normal" people because I have a disease, like the alcoholic who cannot take even one drink or he will spiral out of control again, I cannot even think for one minute I can eat like everyone else can because I cannot, and that’s fine I am at peace with that.


I know the path I must walk to get to where I need to be and I pray that when I reach the end of this path that I will be ready to start the new path because the journey is never ending, losing the weight is the easy part, keeping it off and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is going to be the real b**** of it!  But at that point I will have the tools I need to fight the good fight.

If you are one of those people who think a perfect body is the answer to all your life’s problems then I certainly cannot begrudge you your goals nor do I wish to tarnish them, I just caution you to be careful what you wish for you might just get it, and when you get it will it be everything you thought it would be?  Don't forget to take care of the inside as well as the outside.  The demons that drive us now simply won't disappear the day we fit into the jeans we want to our the day our bodies look fantastic at the beach, if we do not deal with them the will still be there, watching, waiting, biding their time till they can take control again and if we drop our guard for a minute they will, just be cautious my friends that’s all

**Knowledge is Power**